Autonomy and Trust
- Danielle
- May 5, 2020
- 4 min read
Watch this heartwarming story told by Dr. Justin Coulson in this video excerpt from his Ted Talk:
Dr. Coulson touches on a lot of important things in this video! Let’s talk about them!
First - What is autonomy?
In short, autonomy is the ability to “self-govern” – but what does that mean?
It means to make decisions without the unwanted influence of others, like through coercion. Autonomy is the ability to make a decision, make a choice, logically and confidently, without needing another’s approval, guidance, or instruction. Autonomy is strongly related to independence, and of course, our goal for our children is for them to grow up to be successful, confident, and independent adults.
Can we teach autonomy?
We can definitely teach behavior related to autonomy! We can teach problem-solving skills, we can teach critical thinking skills, we can teach our children ways to cope with emotional situations and how to accept challenges and continue working towards the things they value (Another aspect Dr. Coulson mentioned in the video)! We can even teach more specific skills related to independence, such as those to do with time management and organization! Examples of ways that we might support a child to become more autonomous and independent include:
Learning to accept denial and other “bummers” of life (e.g., bad weather, canceled events, failure when trying something new, etc.)
Learning to schedule activities in a calendar – school-related activities like homework assignments and tests, work-related activities like scheduled shifts, social-related activities like parties, and even leisure activities like watching Netflix or playing Xbox!
Learning to recognize, monitor, and reinforce their own behaviors (i.e., not always relying on the praise of others is a large component of autonomy)
Learning when to ask for help and guidance, and when it's appropriate to seek praise from others – like when they’re tackling something new!
Learning to solve problems – What do you do if you’re missing an ingredient for the recipe you wanted to make? What do you do if your plans get canceled last minute? What do you do when you’ve lost your iPad or car keys?
Learning to complete age-appropriate tasks like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning different parts of the house, riding a bus, grocery shopping, cooking meals, making the bed, washing the car/bike… etc.
A second topic Dr. Coulson briefly touches on is control, and how control creates resistance in children (and really, everyone!).
We all want to feel like we’re in control to some extent. Depending on the age of your child, there are probably going to be different things in their lives that you feel comfortable with allowing them to have control over, and other things that you might not – which is why we have rules!
I love the piece in the video where Dr. Coulson’s daughter mentions being a part of the conversation when developing their family/house rules. This is an important way that you can foster a sense of control in children, by giving them choices and a seat at the table when making important decisions! Including the whole family in a discussion about the rules gives every family member some choice in the selection of those rules, and it gives them the information they need to understand the reasoning behind some of the rules they may not always agree with, or be happy about – just like in Dr. Coulson’s story.
This ties into the third important piece of the video, which is trust. When you build trust into your relationship, the discussions about family/house rules gets easier! Because then, when you explain and discuss why certain rules are important, your child, even if they don’t agree with or like the rules, will trust you when you explain to them the reason(s) for those rules.
How do you build trust? It's actually pretty simple: You follow through with what you say you are going to do.
When you make commitments, and honor them, others begin to trust you. So, when you set up promises, reward systems, expectations, and rules – you need to follow through with them in order to build that trust and respect. Do not make promises or commitment that cannot be follow through on – do not promise your children rewards they won’t get to have, and do not threaten to remove privileges that cannot be removed (e.g., commitments to sports games, birthday parties, or other events).
Teaching autonomy will happen naturally as you develop a relationship based on mutual respect and trust, build in choices to your children’s routines, and support them in learning the skills to be independent (rather than completing those tasks for them and removing those choices and opportunities for control).
Your task after reading through this and watching Dr. Coulson's video is to think about your daily routine - Can you think of any opportunities within that routine to use to begin fostering autonomy and independence?
Let me know how you support your children in building their autonomy and independence below (or in an e-mail)!
Remember, you got this!
Some Nerdy Resources:
APA Dictionary of Psychology for “Autonomy”
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
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